little lambs; moving

Taking a break from packing, cleaning, organizing, and more packing. We are moving to a house in Orem which will give us more space and a fenced backyard. But I had planned my trips to California and Missouri before I knew I was going to move and now I’m trying to get it all done as fast as possible because school starts for me on Monday and then it’s back to studying.

The kids had their first day of school today at their new schools. They missed the first day. A lady from the office walked us to Sam and Joy’s classrooms. Sam went into his class and I called after him to say I’d pick him up out front at the end of the day. The look on his face clearly said, “I am a lamb and my own mother has just brought me to the slaughter.” The office lady said, “Oh! He looks like he’s going to cry. He can come to the office and sit with me if he needs to any time during the day.” But I knew he wouldn’t need to because he is like me. We only have “pull yourself up by the boot straps” mode and “complete collapse” mode which just means cry your eyes out in private, then rejoin the world when you feel better. Asking for help from someone other than immediate family is tough, even mortifying and I haven’t mastered it yet.

Nathan was adamantly against moving, as any 8^th grader would be. But his first day went well; he talked to new people and seems to like it, after all. He wants to go to the private school just down the road—Karl G. Maeser Academy because his friend Alex goes there. I told him if he gets good grades this year, I’ll look into it for next year.

Thanks, Spencer and Michelle, for letting us hang out with you last week and get to know sweet, little Aurora a little bit. Thanks to my other big kids for holding down the fort while I was gone. Melody did a lot but she needed her big brothers, too. I am so, so lucky. And I don’t mean “luck” in a random way. I am lucky that I have been so blessed.

Deserts, Mountains, Pleasanton

Pleasanton—my favorite place; 410 miles of I-80 in the Nevada desert, not so much. The trees in the Sierra Nevadas are beautiful, too. The kids were getting cranky so, to distract them, I asked them to see if they could tell which trees telephone poles are made out of. Joy said, “How can you tell? Do they have telephones on the side of them?” I thought she was joking until I remembered she’s from the cell-phone tower generation.

The drop in elevation out of the Sierras is pretty steep in relatively few miles and this is how the conversation went when we got down on the California side:
Sam: Mom, why is it so quiet all of a sudden?
Me: Maybe your ears are plugged. Swallow.
Sam: What?
Me: (louder) Maybe your ears are plugged. Swallow.
Sam: (very loudly) WHAT?
Me: (muttering under my breath but smiling) I give up. I’m right but he’ll never know it.

For 13 hours, Sam asked every 15 minutes how much longer or how many more miles to Grandpa’s house. Okay, I exaggerate a little. Really, he only asked about 3 times per hour. At one point, I answered, “Well, it’s only been 15 minutes since the last time you asked so the answer isn’t really different.” And he laughed like he was a little embarrassed. But he still couldn’t help but keep asking.

This morning, I jogged around the park on Black Avenue a couple of times, Joy and I collected a few seeds from Gpa’s flower garden and now we’re going to take BART to San Francisco and take the kids sightseeing.

If you've never been deeply hurt by someone else, don't bother reading this

Just some interesting, possibly life-changing stuff from a book I'm reading:

"People who score high on forgiveness as a personality trait are less likely to be depressed, anxious, hostile, narcissistic, or exploitative and are also less likely to become dependent on drugs or nicotine. They are more likely to be empathic. Combat veterans suffering from PTSD experience less depression and fewer symptoms of trauma if they are able to forgive themselves and others. 'High forgivers' (those who score high on forgiveness as a trait) show less reactivity in blood pressure and arterial pressure when asked about conflict with a parent or caregiver. In contrast, those who score low in forgiveness show high reactivity and poor recovery...

"In one study of thirty divorced or permanently separated mothers with young children, those who had forgiven their ex-husbands reported a greater sense of self-acceptance and purpose and lower levels of anxiety and depression. ... One 2001 study found that the impact of forgiveness was truly global: from age 18 onward, the extent to which people reported the tendency to be forgiving strongly buffered them against psychological stress.

"Just deciding to forgive someone doesn't work very well, according to studies. Far more effective is the process of invoking love, compassion, and empathy and practicing forgiveness exercises. ... A one-on-one forgiveness intervention conducted by Robert Enright was highly effective in helping women who had been molested increase their hope and decrease their anxiety and depression. After intervention, emotional health in a group of such women was just as good as or better than that of women who had not been molested. ... Says Robert Enright, "All of the incest survivors asked us, "Are you sure you want me in the study? I will not forgive this person,' and we said, 'Yes, we want you in the study.' Then they said, 'Well, my motivation for being here is to make myself better.'

" ... A forgiveness intervention with men whose partners had decided to have an abortion showed the same decrease in grief, anger, and anxiety." (Why Good Things Happen to Good People, Post & Neimark)

I ran every day this week except yesterday; instead, I swam for 1 1/2 hours. I keep moving the whole time, swimming laps or treading water. This morning I ran a mile at my fastest speed yet, about 5 mph avg. Still not very fast but an improvement. Now I am SO sore! I called my supervisor to come down and let me in the lab instead of climbing the stairs. I've lost 5 lbs this last month. Running has always been the only way for me to lose weight but I've been in denial, thinking I could do it some other way. Interestingly, since starting to feel runner's high, it's no longer drudgery to get on the treadmill.

Melody is in Oregon at her Aunt Nancy's, picking berries with her cousins. I miss her a lot. The kids are back from their dad's early--they just like to be home. My house was spotless the day before they returned. The next day, when I got home from work, a tornado had come through the front room and kitchen. See? It's not just my housekeeping ability--it's mostly kids.

Have a good day!

Runner's high but inundated with pics

I’ve been jogging pretty consistently for almost a month. I haven’t upped my distance much in that time but I’ve shaved about 3 minutes off my mile time. Tonight, I am feeling my first runner’s high. Wow. It’s been years since I’ve felt that. I’d like to become more familiar with it.

I’ve also been out of school for this last month and have been doing major cleaning and decluttering. The kids are wondering who I am and what I’ve done with their real mom who just reads textbooks all the time. Closets, bookshelves, the pantry, file cabinet, the laundry, and dresser drawers have all been shaved down and straightened. I think it’s partly a reflection of healing on my part. I feel true joy and can’t put my finger on exactly why. But I think that means it’s not contingent on anything external so it can’t be easily taken away from me.

I have hundreds of pictures only about half of which are in photo albums. Do you think it’s necessary to keep every one of them? A lot of them are pre-digital and not that great. I’m thinking of winnowing them down and keeping the best ones because if there are too many, it becomes overwhelming for any of us (my kids) to look at them. We already have 10 binders worth of photos in albums. Do we really want/need 20 or 30? And now that we have scanners, printers, and digital scrapbooks/photo albums, is it necessary to keep zillions of wallet size and smaller photos from all the kids photo shoots and school pics? I don’t want to go overboard with the decluttering but it is SO nice to have empty closet and cupboard space.

Nathan is up to 117 lbs. Last October before heart surgery, he weighed 89 lbs. We went swimming today and he is so much stronger. I expected to see changes but still, I am amazed at what I see and words cannot express how thankful I am for the technology that allowed him to be “normal”. Babies born with TAPVR 35 years ago usually died. Nathan should have died and the fact that he didn’t is a miracle. Even when he was born, the surgery wasn’t as refined, and therefore, successful as it is today.

I am very blessed.

Summer so far; Unrealistic movies--or is that redundant?

July 7, 2011

My son, Spencer is here visiting for a week. Michelle didn’t come bcs their baby is due in two weeks. It’s been fun to have him around although my house is a little boring, especially with the two youngest at their dad’s. Yesterday, Melody and I voted to see Larry Crowne; Spencer and Nathan voted for Transformers 3.

So we ended up at the action movie. It’s not really my kind of movie though the demographic they’re catering to loved it, I’m sure. I don’t want to like Shia Lebeouf but I guess nothing about being a jerk in real life precludes good acting ability. (Or does good acting translate to lots of money which generates jerkiness in real life? He seems to have a lot of company in Hollywood.) In any case, his facial expressions are really great in the movie. He has one very funny, terrifying scene with his car, flying through the air above the freeway and ending up back in the car. But the plot and stunts are ridiculously implausible and the “humanizing” of the machines (features making them old, young, bad guys, feeling pain, etc.) is so fake. But I’m sure that will appeal to kids. The battle scenes went on and on making for an almost 3 hour movie. Two hours would have been more than enough. My kids liked it—Nathan thought it was great.

I have no school now until late August and it’s SO nice to have no homework; no thick books to read two or three times in the next two months. I will hear sometime in July if I am accepted in to the accounting program at BYU. I got an A and an A- in the two prereqs I took Spring term so I’m planning on getting in. I’m still working, too but not very many hours. I will lose my job at the end of August since I’m not a student at UVU anymore.

The current plan is to clean out a closet or cabinet every day while I have time off and to exercise. I made some good progress at first but it’s been slow-going this week. My house is looking much better and less cluttered. I’ve been running, jump-roping without a rope, and skating. The treadmill is drudgery and I have to force myself to go get on it but skating is better, though hard, physically. Just reporting to keep myself accountable.

Lagoon

I took Nathan, Joy and Sam hiking on Tuesday. I meant to go to the Battle Creek canyon but mistakenly went to the Grove Creek canyon which we hiked anyway. I am so out of shape! So on Thurs, we tried again. Everyone but Sam wimped out on me; the two of us hiked to the waterfall at Battle Creek. It’s not very long and fairly easy—lots of moms and kids were hiking it. At 11 am, it was still cool and there’s lots of shade on that hike. The water’s running a lot higher than last year. But the last couple hundred yards are pretty steep and I was spent so I didn’t go right up to the top; before I could stop him, Sam scampered up farther and I couldn’t see him anymore. I didn’t know what was up there besides a roaring river and a 40 ft. cliff. I am guessing the trail ends there. Thirty seconds after he disappeared, I was wishing I had some big kids to send after him and worrying that he might fall in and come crashing down the waterfall. Thankfully, he came back down after a minute or two. Raising six boys is teaching me to just stay calm. And the view up there is SO gorgeous of the valley and Utah Lake below. We are so blessed to live in this beautiful place. Next time, I’ll take pictures. Driving back home (a whole three miles to our house), Sam said, “You are the best mom in the whole world!” because I took him hiking.

Yesterday, we went to Lagoon (Six Flags-Great America-type amusement park.) Melody didn’t go bcs she went w/Alicia last Sat. and w/K’Lani on Wed. Alden and Sinda came also with their two little kids and it was a lot of fun. Sinda’s never been there before and said they would just stay three hours or so. We were there for seven hrs. I’ve never seen anyone have more fun than Claudya had at the waterpark. And Sam took her on several kiddie rides while her parents went on a roller coaster. He’s so protective and solicitous with his nieces—I love to observe.

But the interesting part of the day was going to a Vietnamese noodle house in West Valley City for Pho (pronounced like foot without the t.) It’s a hole-in-the-wall place which reminds me of some of the places my parents took us to in Chinatown in Oakland and San Francisco when I was little. The food was good and we’ll definitely go there again. Nathan and Sam loved it. During the meal, Sinda said,”See, if you just listen carefully, you can tell the difference between Laotian and Vietnamese.” I had to laugh. I said, “If YOU listen closely, you can but I certainly can’t.” When I graduate, I hope to carve out time to study some foreign languages.

June 14, 2011

Finals are tomorrow and Thursday so I am cramming. This morning I looked for my Writing & Speaking for Business text and couldn’t find it anywhere. Panic. No, don’t panic. Worst-case scenario is I will drive over to BYU and buy a new one. After wasting two hours cleaning the house in an effort to find it, and sending some desperate pleas heavenward, I got an idea. Just an inkling that wasn’t solid—the boys took my TV from the front room to my bedroom to play Xbox on Saturday (Richard, Alden, Taylor, Melody—yeah, sometimes, she gets to be one of “the boys”.) I had already looked thoroughly in my room though. Somehow, I knew there was a connection. But what? Try to think…I went over to the piano next to my bed which has a stack of music books on top because I’m giving Nathan, Joy and Sam piano lessons. I looked through the stack and there was my textbook near the bottom! Joy! I didn’t know it was there and don’t know why I looked there. Thank you, thank you to whoever heard my pleas and put the thought in my head. My guardian angels have ‘needs lots of help’ or ditzy or something similar written on my file, I’m sure.

On my break, I’ll be repenting of having stacks of papers and books around. Bad idea. If I put everything away though, I forget about it so I leave stacks of papers out so I will take care of the pile. I know, poor excuses. I do fine when I’m not in school. I’ve heard that when you are under stress, you become more forgetful because only the most important things stay on the radar and everything else drops away. I haven’t lost any of the kids yet or forgotten to take a test :-). Wish me luck on finals!