Snarkiness not allowed; Grandma, you're such a nice girl

I recently read a Carolyn Hax column where a woman is devastated when she overhears someone criticizing her and saying that she is “awful” and the woman she’s talking to agrees. The first woman thinks of herself as nice and likeable and wonders what to do. Anyone who’s been on the planet very long has been disliked or bullied or the target of snark at some point in life. It doesn’t feel good. I handle it better since my friend Norman Price told me at least 18 years ago, “Stop expecting everyone to like you.” I try to concentrate on those who love me easily and avoid those who don’t. I release them with kindness because it’s perfectly okay if some people don’t like me. We are all different and gravitate towards some, but not all, people. And I so love the people that DO gravitate towards me, that “click” with me.

A week or so ago, I was talking on the phone in the hallway and as a co-worker walked by, the words coming out of my mouth were, “she is very capable and competent.” She and I made eye contact just as I was saying this and she kept walking. I was not talking about anyone at work but I thought, “How nice if she thinks I am talking about her or one of our other coworkers.” And I would have been horrified if I had been saying something negative. I would like to be caught more often saying good things about people. It’s easy to be critical with no thought for the pain we cause others.  I’d like to be more like the handful of people I’ve known who always have something good to say about others. I’ll keep practicing. J

Approximately four years ago, my life wasn’t what I wanted it to be. I did not want to make changes but circumstances beyond my control forced me to completely change my life. Now, I am so very thankful for all the things that have happened since early 2009.  My marriage of 27 years ended, which caused me great sorrow. Total despair, actually. I learned to get out of bed anyway every single day. I gained two daughters-in-law to add to the two I already had. I gained 8 grandchildren to add to the two I already had. I learned to be grateful for every little thing. I learned to be happy. I earned a bachelor’s degree. I married the love of my life, hidden in the most unlikely (I thought) persona of Keith Chandler. Sometimes I ask him, “Who knew we would be so happy together?!” He answers, “NO one!” Then we both laugh. I found a job at BYU where I would be happy to stay until I retire. I didn’t get back to what I weighed at 30 or even 39. I possibly ate too much chocolate. I often didn’t get enough sleep. But still, my cup runneth over. I am awash in gratitude and joy. What more could I ask?

An old post I don't remember writing. This is why you should write things down!

September 3, 2012

Things I’ve heard people say recently:

Grandma, you are such a nice girl! (Victoria)

If William hits me at my house, then my dad has to come home from work in THREE MINUTES! (Claudya)

But if we split it in half, she’ll take ALL of it! (Nathan, referring to his big sister, Melody.)

Trace your family tree

This post is a shameless plug to get you interested in searching out your ancestors. At familysearch.org, you can get a sign-in and do some research or just see the research that has already been done. If you are LDS, use your member sign in that you would look up the ward phone list with. If you're not LDS, you can create a log in of your own.

I am new at it and was showing my dad while he was here this weekend. We found a line on his mother's side that went back to the 1400's. So I was trying to show Melody but went back on a different line. As you go back farther in time, there are many different lines of descendancy. Most of them, I have not looked at yet. But lots of research has been done on my dad's maternal side. Here is just one: (maiden names; dates are year of birth, places are place of birth)
I am the daughter of Richard Holmes. He is the son of Queenie Rain Tedder, 1901 McIntosh, Alabama. She is the daughter of Stella Margaret Rush, 1881 McIntosh Alabama. She is the daughter of
Erminia Collier Rain, daughter of
Daniel Cornelius Rain, son of
Cornelius Rain, McIntosh, Alabama, son of
Margaret Carney, St. John's Parish, Georgia, daughter of
Elizabeth Aderton, born 1733, Rowan North Carolina, dau of
Anne Price Luckett, born 1719, Charles Maryland, dau of
Thomas Hussey Luckett, Pt. Tobacco Parish, Charles, Maryland, son of
Elizabeth Hussey, 1667, Charles Maryland, dau of
Thomas Hussey, 1615, All Hallows, London, England, son of
John Hussey, 1600, Harby, Lincolnshire, England, son of
Mary Wroth 1563 Durants, Enfield, Middlesex, England, dau of
Thomas Wroth 1516, Durants, Enfield, Middlesex, England, son of
Robert Esq. Wroth, 1482 Bishopsbourne, Kent England, son of
Averia Mortimer daughter of
Sir John Mortimer 1368, Usk, Monmouthshire, Wales and Joan de Beaufort 1375 born at Chauteau de beauf, Meese, France. She is the daughter of
Prince Lionel Plantagenet, Duke of Clarence, 29 Nov 1338 in Antwerp Belgium, son of
Edward de Plantagenet III 1312, son of
Edward II Pantagenet 1284, son of
King Edward I of England 1239 and Eleanor of Castile, Edward I is the son of
Henry II 1133 and Eleanor of Aquitaine, Queen of England born in La Mans, France. Henry is the son of
Matilda, Empress of England born 1102, daughter of King Henry I Beauclerc of England 1068, son of
King William I Conqueror born 1028 married Matilda de Flanders

My daughter-in-law is a descendant of Eric the Red and my son is a descendant of William the Conqueror. This totally explains my grandson Ben's behavior! :-)

It's fun. Go see where your lines of ancestry lead! I haven't even looked at most of mine yet. I have a lot more to do.

Of bunnies, opposable thumbs, and stuck accelerators

I read James Michener’s Hawaii when my second child was a babe in arms. Just a few years ago J. One thing I remember is the Chinese immigrants brought to be laborers would get married in China, leave a week or so later, send money home over the years, expecting to return one day, but of course, they never were able to return. So one guy acquires a ‘concubine’ after coming to Hawaii (since he already had a real wife, he can’t marry her ) and they tell their children about their “real” mother in China, who of course is not their real mother in any sense. So I have this bunny. Her “real owner” lives in Hawaii, a certain Miss Claudya Compton. But she will probably never really live with Claudya again. She’s mine to take care of, with a little help from Joy who thinks she’s the real owner.  But I am the one who takes pity on the bunny when it’s raining or snowing outside, buys her food, and feels guilty about her caged life.

She got sick recently and we have to hand feed her.  So I get up a little earlier to have to time to feed her before work. Then I send texts to Keith so he will feed her when he’s home in the late afternoon between jobs. It struck me this evening that I didn’t think at all about what Nathan would eat all day but I thought about poor bunny. This is probably because he has opposable thumbs and can open a frig and operate a microwave, the total extent of his survival skills. The only survival skill available to a caged bunny is to look cute and somewhat pitiful at the same time.

And, my car broke today. It hasn’t needed any work in four years so I guess I can’t complain. The accelerator is stuck. At a zillion rpms. No, that’s not an exaggeration. I think I scared Nathan who was with me when it happened. I thought that only happened in movies. So Keith came and rescued me, called a tow truck and will ride his bike to work so I can take his car tomorrow. I guess I would’ve called one of the boys if he weren’t around but it was so nice to have him take care of it for me.

So I have an 8 to 5 job in the accounts payable department at BYU. And I graduate magna cum laude from the Woodbury school of business at UVU later this month. I am loving my capstone class, which I heard so many negative stories about that I was scared to take it. I have taken to the capsim business simulation like a duck to water  and am having lots of fun. My team submitted our last round last night and we have a couple hundred point lead in the class.

Richard, I want to hear about your trip to Peru. Alden, I want to hear about your job. Melody got a passport so I guess the State Department decided she was real after all. It only took 5 months. (They think I'm a flake because she was born at home with a midwife and it took me 14 months to get her birth certificate-red flags, I guess.)  She needs to get some cavities filled and then she will submit papers to go on a mission. It’s a full life!

Confessions of a bread lover

I don’t really have time to blog but sometimes, the words in my head have to be put in print or they won’t stop dancing there, trying to arrange themselves in the shortest but most entertaining way possible.

I haven’t been going to Relief Society evening meetings all semester because I’m gone so much and I just want to be home in the evening with my family. But I went last night. And it was good for the socially awkward (that would be me) because every time I go, I get to know two or three people better. I found out my neighbor used to live in Mona (the Bassett’s bought her house.) But she went through a terrible divorce, had to move, and is now married to a very nice guy and living in Orem--familiar story over which we bonded just a little. J

But something is bothering me and might seem trivial but I have to say it because it might help someone. About 6 months ago, I cut out gluten, mostly. I eat it a little here and there but it’s very limited. I have noticed now that when I do eat white flour (or wheat or spelt flour), it increases my appetite a lot and causes almost instant weight gain. As in the next day. If I’m going to indulge, it can really only be one serving. Is it my age bracket? Does anyone else notice this?

The menu last night? Salad w/croutons, dinner rolls, angel hair pasta, breaded chicken cordon bleu, and angel food cake. Yikes. Talk about flour overload. I knew I could not eat all of that. I had to choose. So I skipped the croutons, the roll, and half the pasta—sorry to be wasteful but better than adding it to my waist. I ate the chicken and the slice of cake was very small, topped w/raspberry sauce and whipped topping. Another peeve of mine—I only eat real whipped cream and don’t understand why anyone ever eats “whipped topping.” But I will let that one go ;-)

I wondered last night how many people in that room had diabetes or clogged arteries and high blood pressure. I wanted to write about the health information I have collected in the last 25 years but I don’t have time to do the research to write it intelligently at this time. (If I don’t find a job soon, I may write a book.)

I have looked at the women a decade older than me and two decades older. I can’t bear the thought of getting any fatter than I already am. So I have to always drink water—no sweet drinks with meals. And I have to skip the bread. And try to skew my desserts to low flour items. Or I make them with oat and rice flour. I am convinced that eating lots of flour products speeds up the aging process. And eating raw foods slows it down. So I guess I’m reaching out to those who are as vain as I am or who just want to still be independent when they are 85 years old. Eat right and go for a walk.

As you were.

p.s. None of this stops me from dreaming about San Francisco Sourdough bread, which my mother raised me on.

5 Love Languages; Kindness

My random thoughts in no particular order or importance:

Have you read ”The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman?  My love language is acts of service and it so happens that my husband’s way of showing love is to wash my car, take out the garbage, mow the lawn, do laundry and dishes, and repair everything around the house. This may not sound significant but my former husband had a different MO and it didn’t work so well for me. He rarely to never did those things. This is not a criticism, just an observation. I am positive that things would have been better if we could have read that book years ago. I can’t speak for Keith but I think he is as happy as I am. That saying “Love is better the second time around” certainly applies here. I don’t mean to place blame or cast aspersions; we’ve learned from mistakes and experience. And I am so, so lucky because I am happy!

I’ve noticed in the mirror lately that my eyes look like my mom’s. I was 14 yrs old when she was the age that I am now. I didn’t think I looked like her in any way but as I age, I can see it. I have stayed out of the sun for most of my adulthood and worn a hat, etc. so I thought I was less wrinkled than my peers due to my diligence and vanity. But when I went to my mom’s funeral, I noticed that my cousins weren’t wrinkled either. So I appreciate the Native American genes. And from Dad, I inherited a tendency to not go gray. At 80, he only has gray at the temples which amazes me. I haven’t had to dye my hair yet. Thanks, Dad. But I don’t like getting old. I don’t care what anyone says. I miss my 26 year old body!

Yesterday two yr old William was here communing with one yr old Aurora. He took her by the hand and led her a few steps, then pointed. She nodded her head sweetly. Then he leaned toward her and very gently patted her shoulder. This just melted my heart! It tells me a lot about his personality. Kindness is the trait I admire most in other people. People who are very smart, clever, or intelligent but are unkind impress me not at all. This should explain something to those who were surprised when they heard I was marrying Keith Chandler. He is, without a doubt, one of the kindest people who ever lived. Anyway, I loved observing William’s gentleness with his little cousin because I’ve seen him be rough with Claudya and his parents. It reminded me of Alden when he was little and my nephew, Tyler, who was also very kind to his cousins who were younger.

I’ve decided what I want to be when I grow up. I’m going to pursue Internal Auditing. I just have to get through two more semesters which, at the moment, feels like slogging through mud. But I am stubborn so I can do it!

Now, I must go because there are gluten free chocolate chip cookies to be eaten. They aren’t pretty, as we are experimenting with the recipe still, but they taste great.

Comptons, Chandlers, gluten-free, etc.

July 8, 2012

Today was my nephew, Kevin’s mission homecoming. He is my ex-husband’s sister’s son. I love the Compton family and refuse to stop being part of it. : ) My husband, Keith has known four of the brothers and lots of my nieces and nephews also for a decade and a half so he is comfortable around them. In a way, he has simply married into the Compton family, as much as into the Holmes family. My mother-in-law, Mary Compton’s maiden name was Chandler. When I got engaged to Keith, one of my ex-husband’s sisters said, “I want to be a Chandler!” But I digress.

I hear a lot of people speak in church. It’s been my observation that only a small percentage of people in general are good speakers (20%) and of those, perhaps half or one-fourth have the gift of speech. Kevin has the gift; it runs in the family. He reminded me of some of his uncles and cousins up there. Telling you about it will not do justice but I want him to know how thankful I was that my three youngest, Nathan, Joy, and Sam were listening. They needed to hear what he was saying and I am thankful that he was willing to open his mouth. A lot of the time, Kevin and the audience were smiling as he spoke; he has an engaging way of telling funny stories. But a few times, he made a serious, earnest face, an expression I never saw when he was younger, as he spoke. I hope Nathan soaked in the feeling and that it will help him. I’m so thankful for extended family and how we are able to help each other at various times when needed.

July 25, 2012

Some of you might be interested in our gluten-free experiment. I have three kids who get stomach aches from gluten and do much better if they stay off of it. So for the last two months, I’ve run rice, oats, and quinoa through my wheat grinder and made lemon squares, brownies, pumpkin pie (so good that Richard asked if he could pay me to make it for him) and other things. I’ve lost a couple of pounds, Keith has lost about 6 lbs. and a few of his health issues have cleared up. He had psoriasis for over 20 years and it's gone now. When I have more time, I will put some recipes on. According to my genotype, rice isn’t that great for me either so I’ve been eating millet and quinoa for cereal with raspberries, cream, and almonds. Oh, the deprivation! The sacrifices I make! J Richard has been eating gluten-free for about 4 months and looks completely different like he did 5 years ago when he got married. It’s an amazing transformation. Maybe he or AesaLina will post before and after pics??

We get about 6 eggs a day now—pullet-sized eggs, and we eat from our garden daily (lettuce, zucchini, mint, basil, tomatoes and cucumbers.) Keith gets all the credit for that. I ask him about once a week, “Who would have thought that I would be so happy with you?” He was so quiet all those years ago in the Lebanon Ward that I didn’t know anything about him. I would say most people don’t know the real Keith.

We went to the temple last week and I was admiring the flower beds, trying to get a few ideas for my own yard. Keith indulged my chatter with “mm hmms” and an occasional nod of his head. As we walked away, he said, “Did you see all the perlite in the soil?” World class flower beds and he’s looking at the dirt?? That’s my man.

I am mired in Cost Accounting and studying for a test. The term ends in 2 ½ weeks and there’s a lot to cover in that time so the pressure is beginning to bear on me. I am in the last few miles of the marathon and I am getting close to the finish line. Can’t wait. Better get to work.

Something Good is About to Happen

I’ve been married close to four months now. It’s bliss except for the part where I gained 10 lbs and he lost 5 lbs in that time period. What? Do we need any more proof that God is a man? And no, I don’t think it has anything to do with Haagen-Dazs bars. Why would you ask me that?? He eats chocolate chips by the handful, remember? So I bought a 72 oz. bag of them at Costco last week. No more of this 12 oz. nonsense. For the last 30 years, I lived in a world where the chocolate chips could sit in the pantry for months, untouched. But I can adapt. I’m flexible that way. : ) You need chocolate? Come on over. Well, call me first to put in your request—that’s how Claudya does it. : ) It helps if you are my granddaughter but it’s not a must. Taylor calls pretty regularly to say, “If I bring over strawberries, will you make cake?” He has mastered the art of sounding ever-so-slightly-pitiful-enough to win me over. If you had ever tried my strawberry shortcake, you would know why he does this. : ) If you come to Sam’s baptism this Saturday, you can try it.

Since I last posted, a lot has happened. I inched 6 credit hours closer to my goal, one granddaughter was born, one daughter-in-law announced she is expecting our 10^th grandchild, my youngest child turned eight, and my ex-husband lost his wife of one year to cancer. That last item seems out of place in that list and you might think it shouldn’t concern me. I feel a lot of emotions regarding that situation that I will refrain from expressing here. She was the reason for our separation. I asked her to stay away from him and stop calling him and truly believed that eventually he would come back. Obviously, that didn’t happen. But the outcome today is the last thing I would have expected.

My life is full of family, joy, and light now. Of course, that may just be the Haagen-Dazs bars speaking. I just ate one. Or three. My memory's not as good as it used to be.  : ) I wish I could go back three years and tell myself, “Be still and know that it will be fine. It will be wonderful. Just have some trust that the future is bright.” I had a sticky note hanging on the wall where I would see it every day that said, “Something good is about to happen.” I was in such a low place emotionally that part of me had trouble believing it. Those sappy, happy affirmations are for everyone else, not me. I just have to accept my reality. But it turned out to be true. I know two and a half years doesn’t sound like long to wait for the love of my life to come along. But when you don’t know how much longer, it feels endless. And it’s painful.

So the outcome that I did not expect is that I am pain free. I am happy. I lack for nothing. I am lucky and I know it.

I am only taking one class (Cost Accounting) on a summer block schedule which means a semester’s worth of work is crammed into seven weeks. It feels like a vacation to only have one class so with my extra time, I work in the yard everyday which keeps my fingernails slightly dirty all the time. But I don’t care. The kitchen’s kinda messy but the yard looks good. So all is right with the world.